Are All Feelings Valid? Yes. Are All Thoughts and Actions? That’s Where It Gets Tricky.
There’s a phrase us therapists love: “All feelings are valid.”
And it’s true. Every feeling you have rises up from something real inside of you — a need, a fear, a longing, a hurt, or sometimes just the mysterious fact of being human.
But here’s where a lot of people get stuck (especially in relationships): just because all feelings are valid doesn’t mean all thoughts and actions are.
This is where the real work begins — especially if you want to love well and communicate in a way that builds connection instead of disconnection.
Feelings vs. Thoughts: They’re Not the Same Thing
Let’s clear this up because we tend to lump them together.
Feelings are emotional experiences in your body — sadness, anger, joy, fear, shame, excitement.
Thoughts are the stories your brain tells about what’s happening — “She doesn’t care about me,” “He’s always like this,” “I’m a failure,” “They did that on purpose.”
Feelings just are. They show up like weather.
Thoughts are interpretations. They’re shaped by your past, your beliefs, your fears, and sometimes your wounds.
This is why two people can have the same feeling but tell themselves wildly different stories about it.
The Neuroscience of Feelings: The 90-Second Rule
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroscientist, famously found that a feeling (the raw emotion moving through your body) lasts about 90 seconds from the time it’s triggered to the time it moves through — if you don’t feed it with thoughts.
What keeps feelings stuck isn’t the feeling itself — it’s the story you attach to it over and over again.
This is why anger can last for days. Or why anxiety spins all night. Not because the feeling is still happening in your body, but because your mind keeps looping a thought like:
"I can’t believe they did that.”
"I’ll never be enough.”
"This always happens to me.”
Step 1: Validate the Feeling
All feelings are real. All feelings are valid.
Validation sounds like:
“Of course I feel hurt — that mattered to me.”
“It makes sense that I feel anxious — this is uncertain and scary.”
“I’m feeling so angry right now — that’s real.”
Feelings are data. They tell you something about what matters to you. But they are not always instructions.
Step 2: Question the Thought
This is where wisdom comes in.
Once you’ve validated the feeling, your next step is to pause and ask:
Is this thought 100% true?
Is this thought helpful or harmful?
Is this the only way to see this?
Would I tell a friend this thought if they were in my shoes?
Sometimes thoughts are clear, logical, and based on evidence. Sometimes they’re stories built out of fear, past wounds, or assumptions.
Step 3: Choose the Action
Here’s the question that changes everything:
What action would serve me, my values, and this relationship best?
This is where you move from reacting to responding.
Examples in Real Life
Example 1: Acting on a Skewed Thought
Feeling: “I feel hurt.” (Valid)
Thought: “They don’t care about me at all.” (Skewed — because of one missed text)
Action: Silent treatment for two days. Sarcastic comments. Withdrawal. (Not productive)
Better Process:
Validate feeling — “I feel hurt because I was wanting connection.”
Question thought — “Is it true they don’t care at all, or could they have been busy?”
Choose action — “I’m going to share how I felt without blame.”
Healthy Response:
“Hey, when I didn’t hear back, I felt kind of disconnected. I know you’re probably busy, but I just wanted to share where I was at.”
Example 2: Acting on a Logical Thought
Feeling: “I feel disrespected.” (Valid)
Thought: “My boundary was crossed even after I was clear.” (Logical)
Action: Calm boundary-setting conversation.
Healthy Response:
“I want to be clear that when I said no to that, I really meant it. It’s important to me that my boundaries are respected so we can both feel safe here.”
Why This Process Changes Relationships
Most of the hurt in relationships doesn’t come from feelings themselves — it comes from unquestioned thoughts and reactive actions.
When you slow down and honor your feelings first, then check your thoughts next, and choose your actions last, you become a safer person — to yourself and to your partner.
You create space for clarity instead of chaos. You stay connected even when things are hard. You move from reacting out of old stories to responding out of who you really want to be.
The Process Recap
Validate your feeling. All feelings are valid. Feel it fully. Name it. Honor it.
Question your thought. Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it grounded in reality or story?
Choose your action. Will this action serve your values, your relationship, and your own peace of mind?
Feelings will rise. Thoughts will race. Stories will come.
The real skill — the one that transforms relationships — is learning to hold your feelings with kindness, hold your thoughts with curiosity, and hold your actions with intention.
That’s what emotional maturity looks like.
And that’s how love grows — not by avoiding feelings, but by handling them with honesty, courage, and care.