Don't Get Butt Hurt!
The other day I was talking to a guy and he was telling me about feedback he had gotten from his wife about something she wanted him to do differently and he said he was still upset about it. It sounded like this….
“She said she was hurt because I didn’t call when I was running late and I really didn’t like how she said it. She sounded like my Mother! She had her hand on her hip and I swear she was pointing her finger at me. I mean it was on the phone but I knew what she was doing. What’s her problem? She knows I’m coming home. Why does it matter that I’m 5 or 10 minutes late?”
His face screwed up in a grimace and he crossed his arm and made a “hmph” sound.
In my best therapisty voice I said oh so eloquently, “Whoa Dude…. It sounds like you are butt hurt.”
So besides being a really fun thing to say butt hurt is a complex emotion. Butt hurt is when people turn a complaint into a criticism by taking feedback on their behavior as a personal attack on their character and becoming defensive. It’s often because there is a sensitive part of them that feels like someone is saying they are a “bad boy” when it’s usually that the person needs them to change something they are doing, not who they ARE. Major stand offs can be created by someone being butt hurt.
Let’s face it, we’ve all been butt hurt at some time. The problem with this one is that it is a disconnecting emotion because it comes from a place of shame. It is the interpretation of “my partner doesn’t think I’m good enough and wants to change me.”
The antidote to being butt hurt is this:
1. First, acknowledge you are hurt and remind yourself you are indeed a good person, a hero no doubt and have never been a bad boy even when people have been disappointed by your behavior.
2. Next, scan for positives in what the other person is saying. Not everyone is going to give you feedback starting with “I was hurt when….” Sometimes it does come as an attack on your character such as “you are so irresponsible that you don’t even call me!” Even if she isn’t saying it nice and pretty she still has a point. You didn’t call. That affected her. That’s valid.
3. Third, take responsibility. Heroes know that the antidote to defensiveness is to take responsibility for what they did. In this case, “yes, I didn’t call you and it makes sense you would feel hurt by that.”
4. Now- take ACTION! Tell her what you will be doing to change that behavior and do it.
Cool little bit of information for you. In 1998 John Gottman did a study that concluded that the number one thing leading to a healthy marriage is when husband’s accept their wife's influence. To me this is extremely hopeful because it shows how much power men have in a relationship to really be her Hero and make the relationship happy and healthy! Because you are a man of action I know you will follow these steps and go out and make it happen!
Getting Butt Hurt happens but as a hero, you will defeat it.
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