Ego Is the Enemy: How to Go from "I" to "We" in Relationships
In every relationship, there are moments when it feels like a game of tug-of-war—when both partners dig their heels in, and neither wants to give an inch. And at the root of it all? Ego.
Ryan Holiday’s book Ego Is the Enemy spells out why ego gets in the way of our success in life, but the same idea applies to relationships. When we let our ego drive the show, we make decisions based on pride, not love. So how do we get past our egos and go from thinking "I" to "we"? How do we make sure we’re always acting for the greater good of the relationship?
Let’s break it down.
What Happens When Ego Takes the Wheel
Ego is that voice inside your head that says you always need to be right. It’s the part of you that refuses to apologize, that makes you hold grudges, and that pushes you to focus on winning an argument rather than solving the problem. Ego makes everything about you—your needs, your perspective, your desire to be in control.
In a relationship, this can be a recipe for disaster. When both people are focused on themselves, it becomes a battle of egos. Instead of working together, you end up working against each other.
Shifting from "I" to "We"
The antidote to ego is shifting from thinking "I" to thinking "we." This means seeing your relationship as a partnership, not a competition. You’re not trying to one-up each other; you’re building something together. The moment you start thinking of your relationship as a team effort, your mindset changes. You stop worrying about who’s right and start focusing on what’s best for the relationship as a whole.
Here’s how to make that shift:
Let Go of the Need to Be Right: This is huge. Ego thrives on being right. But in relationships, being right isn’t the goal—being connected is. Letting go of the need to always come out on top allows you to have more productive conversations. Instead of saying, “How can I prove my point?” ask yourself, “How can we solve this together?”
Listen to Understand, Not to Win: When ego is in charge, you listen to argue back. But if you’re thinking "we," you listen to understand your partner’s perspective. It’s about empathy, not debate. By truly hearing your partner’s concerns, you’re acting for the greater good of the relationship.
Choose Compromise Over Control: Ego wants control, but relationships are about compromise. There will be times when you have to meet your partner halfway or even let them take the lead on something. It’s not about losing; it’s about keeping the relationship balanced.
Don’t Trip Over Your Ego
Ego isn’t just sneaky—it’s persistent. It’ll trip you up if you’re not paying attention. So how do you keep from stumbling over your own ego when things get heated?
Pause Before You React: When your ego flares up, you want to react immediately—usually defensively. Instead, pause. Take a breath and ask yourself, “Am I reacting out of ego, or am I responding in a way that helps the relationship?” That pause gives you the chance to reset your mindset before you say something you’ll regret.
Admit When You’re Wrong: This is tough, but it’s a relationship game-changer. Ego hates being wrong, but the truth is, you’re not going to be right all the time. When you mess up, admit it. It shows maturity and commitment to the relationship’s health over your own pride. Plus, it opens the door for your partner to do the same.
Think Long-Term: Ego is focused on the short-term win—winning the argument, getting the last word, proving a point. But relationships are long-term. Ask yourself, “Will this matter in a week? In a year?” Chances are, it won’t. Keep the bigger picture in mind, and let the small stuff go.
Practice Humility: Ego makes everything about you. Humility, on the other hand, is about recognizing that you’re not always the most important part of the equation. In a relationship, practicing humility means acknowledging that your partner’s needs are just as important as your own. It’s about finding balance, not dominance.
Always Think of the Greater Relational Good
One of the best ways to keep your ego in check is to always be thinking of the greater good of the relationship. Instead of focusing on what you want or need in the moment, ask yourself, “What’s best for us?” This simple mindset shift can transform your relationship. Here are some ways to stay focused on the "we" instead of the "I":
Prioritize Connection Over Conflict: When a disagreement arises, focus on finding solutions that bring you closer, not further apart. What’s the point of winning an argument if it drives a wedge between you?
Check In Regularly: Make it a habit to check in with your partner about how you’re both feeling. This keeps you both on the same page and reinforces that the relationship is about mutual support, not individual victories.
Celebrate Each Other’s Wins: Ego might make you feel competitive, but in a healthy relationship, your partner’s wins are your wins. Celebrate their successes as if they were your own because, in the "we" mindset, they are.
Ego is the enemy of connection. It’s what turns love into competition and partnership into a power struggle. But when you recognize how ego operates and learn to shift from "I" to "we," your relationship becomes a place of teamwork, trust, and growth. So, the next time your ego starts to flare up, take a step back, check your pride at the door, and ask yourself: “What’s best for us?” Because when you stop tripping over your ego, you start building a relationship that lasts.