Flooded: What Happens When Conflict Takes Over (And How to Handle It as a Couple)
Every couple has arguments. But have you ever been in a fight where your heart is racing, your mind is stuck on the same angry thought, and no matter what your partner says, you just can’t seem to think clearly?
That’s Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA), also known as “flooding.” It’s what happens when your nervous system goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode during a conflict, making it nearly impossible to communicate effectively.
Flooding doesn’t just make arguments worse—it shuts down your ability to listen, process, and respond with care. Learning how to recognize flooding, calm your body, and take intentional breaks can save your relationship from destructive fights and create a foundation for healthier conflict resolution.
Let’s break it down:
What is Flooding (Diffuse Physiological Arousal)?
Flooding happens when your autonomic nervous system perceives a conversation as a threat, triggering your sympathetic nervous system (your fight-or-flight response).
🔹 Your brain detects emotional distress.
🔹 Your body responds by pumping stress hormones (adrenaline & cortisol) into your bloodstream.
🔹 Your ability to think clearly and rationally decreases.
🔹 Your body and mind become locked in defensiveness and survival mode.
This happens because our brains don’t distinguish between emotional threats and physical threats—to your nervous system, a heated argument with your partner can feel just as dangerous as being chased by a bear.
The result? You become emotionally hijacked and lose the ability to have a productive conversation.
How to Recognize Flooding in Your Body and Mind
The key to managing flooding is catching it early—before the conversation spirals out of control.
Physical Signs of Flooding:
✔️ Increased heart rate (typically over 100 bpm)
✔️ Tightness in the chest
✔️ Flushed face or warmth in the neck
✔️ Feeling shaky or lightheaded
✔️ Clenched jaw or tense muscles
✔️ Shallow, rapid breathing
✔️ Sweaty palms
Mental Signs of Flooding:
✔️ Repetitive thoughts (“This isn’t fair,” “I can’t take this,” “They never listen”)
✔️ Using "always" and "never" statements (“You always do this,” “You never care about my feelings”)
✔️ Black-and-white thinking (seeing your partner as completely wrong, yourself as completely right)
✔️ Feeling completely shut down or overwhelmed
✔️ Wanting to run away, yell, or say something hurtful
💡 If you notice two or more of these signs, you are probably flooded. And when you’re flooded, nothing productive will happen in the conversation. This is when you need to step back, reset, and come back when your nervous system is calm.
Step 1: Take a Break the Right Way
Once you recognize that you’re flooded, you must pause the conversation.
🔹 How Long? At least 20 minutes, no more than 2 hours.
It takes at least 20 minutes for stress hormones to fully leave your system.
If you wait too long, resentment can build and the argument can feel unresolved.
🔹 How to Take a Break Without Escalating the Conflict:
✔️ Say it respectfully:
“I want to finish this conversation, but I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take a break and come back in 30 minutes?”
"I need some time to calm down so I can really hear you. Let’s take a pause and revisit this soon."
✔️ Decide when to return:Choose a specific time (30 minutes, 1 hour, etc.) so your partner knows you’re not avoiding the conversation.
✔️ Avoid storming out or slamming doors—that escalates the situation.
Step 2: What to Do (and NOT Do) During the Break
🚫 DO NOT:
❌ Replay the argument in your head over and over.
❌ Plan your next comeback or rehearse how to “win” the argument.
❌ Ruminate about what your partner “should” be saying or doing.
❌ Vent to a friend in a way that escalates your anger.
✔️ DO:
✅ Do something physical to release tension (go for a walk, stretch, do jumping jacks).
✅ Engage in self-soothing activities (deep breathing, listening to calming music, journaling).
✅ Practice mindfulness—focus on the present moment rather than replaying the past.
✅ Remind yourself: "My partner is not my enemy. We are on the same team."
💡 Why this works: Physical movement helps burn off excess adrenaline, and mindfulness keeps you from fixating on the argument.
Step 3: How to Return to the Conversation Safely
Once you’re both calm, it’s time to return to the conversation with a fresh perspective and a commitment to understanding each other.
🔹 Use “Safe Conversations” Tools:
Start with appreciation:
“Thanks for giving me space to cool down. I really do want to work through this with you.”
Use "I" statements, not blame:
Instead of: “You never listen to me!”
Try: “I felt unheard earlier, and I’d really like to feel understood.”
Mirror & Validate:
“So what I’m hearing is that you felt dismissed when I didn’t acknowledge your point. Is that right?”
“I can see why you felt that way.”
🔹 Avoid Re-Flooding:
If you feel your heart rate spiking again, pause and take a deep breath before responding.
If either of you starts getting overwhelmed again, take another short break rather than forcing the conversation.
Why Managing Flooding is a Game-Changer for Your Relationship
✅ Fights become productive instead of destructive.
✅ You stop saying things you regret.
✅ You hear your partner more clearly instead of assuming the worst.
✅ You create a sense of safety in your relationship.
💡 Most conflicts aren’t actually about who’s right or wrong—they’re about feeling heard, valued, and understood. Managing flooding allows both partners to approach conversations from a place of clarity and care, rather than defensiveness and anger.
Turn Conflict into Connection
Disagreements in relationships are inevitable. But whether they bring you closer or tear you apart depends on how you handle flooding.
✔️ Recognize when your body and mind are overwhelmed.
✔️ Take a structured break instead of escalating.
✔️ Use mindfulness and movement to calm your nervous system.
✔️ Return to the conversation with curiosity and openness.
Every couple fights—but the strongest couples learn how to pause, reset, and come back together stronger. 💙
Want More? Check out this podcast I did on triggers and how to handle them: