Monkey Riding an Elephant
Rational Brain vs Emotional Feelings
Hi there, Heroes! First off, I want to thank you for your patience as I took some time off to support my Hero as he launched his new company. I’m back and I’m ready to support your mission to be her Hero!
A question I get a lot from men is how to handle situations in which women are super emotional and it feels like you got hit by a train of feelings. This can really spin you around, catch you off your guard and straight up freak you out if you don’t know what to do!
Let me give you a visual of how a woman experiences emotion. In this illustration, the monkey is the rational part of the brain, and the elephant is the emotional part of the brain.
The monkey is the same size for both men and women (rational), but the size of the beast (elephant) they are riding is different. Women's emotions are like a monkey riding an adult elephant. When things are going smoothly her monkey is just riding along on the elephant with no problems. She's aware of her feelings, she's connected to them and has them under control, all is well. When a woman says she is overwhelmed- she is feeling like a monkey riding an out-of- control elephant.
Because she is so attuned to her emotions, they are huge, like an elephant. If the elephant becomes stressed, it grows out of control. The monkey (rational) is holding on for dear life just bouncing around on top of a crazy beast (emotions) it can't control.
The monkey (rational) knows the elephant is out of control and wants to tame it but all it can do is hang on.
As a guy, you may think it's the rational brain that is going crazy and you need to calm her down by giving her rational advice. Guys, this will backfire and let me explain why:
When you try to fix her emotions, give her advice or tell her to feel a different way, you are yelling at the poor overworked monkey who is already holding on for dear life and you are making the situation worse for her. What she really needs from you is to help her calm down the elephant. How do you do this???? You have to connect with her emotions to access her logical brain. The only way to help the monkey is to tame the elephant.
I’m going to break this down for you in bullet points.
What NOT to do:
Tell a joke to “add some levity to the situation” (Oh my God, no. Please do not do this! Her head will spin around and foam may come out of her mouth).
Tell her why not to feel this way (there is no way she can do this, her feelings are her feelings).
Try to reason with her and solve the problem (this will really piss her off, she probably already knows what to do and if she doesn’t she will ask).
Go “stoic” and not respond. This is also called Stonewalling and you are basically emotionally abandoning her.
What TO do:
Validate her feelings! How do you do that???? By telling her that her feelings make sense. For example, she’s telling you she feels hurt because you showed up late to pick her up or meet her for a date…. You have a perfectly good explanation for that and want to tell her because she will definitely feel better if she knows this information, right? WRONG. She will feel better if you acknowledge she is hurt. It doesn’t matter why she is hurt, even if she is hurt because of a misunderstanding on her part. She’s hurt and that must first be acknowledged to tame the crazy elephant of Hurtness. I know that’s not a word, it just felt right to use it.
“It makes sense that you feel (that way-insert emotion here) because…….” MEMORIZE THIS LINE!!!!! It will be invaluable to you. It may take a second to find anything that makes sense to you but you are a HERO and heroes never give up. Neither do Goonies. You may also be a goonie and that would make you super cool. For example: it makes sense you feel hurt that I was late to pick you up.
Empathize: This is where you are taking it to HOME BASE baby. If you can imagine any other feelings she might be having and throw them out- even if they aren’t correct, you have just reached the pinnacle of Hero status. “I can imagine you might also be feeling…..” then put yourself in the situation as if you were her. You are her. You are not you. If you were her and you were late to pick you up…… this is getting a little fourth dimension here but stay with me….. How would you feel if you were her? You can draw on information you have about her to figure this out. Remember how she told you her parents were always late to pick her up from school? Remember that a past boyfriend would keep her waiting for hours? Or maybe you don’t know her well enough to draw on past information. Think of how anyone might feel in this situation if the situation caused them distress and throw it out. For example, “I imagine you may also be feeling disappointed and frustrated too.”
These tactics are sure to get you further into her heart and mind because you made the effort to understand how she is feeling and that helps her feel emotionally safe with you. You’ve probably heard this quote from Maya Angelou “ I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. “ The more you try to understand and validate her “negative” feelings the more she will associate you with positive feelings making you well on your way to achieving Hero status.
Check out my podcast Shameless Sexual Revolution for a Backstage Pass into a Woman’s Sexy Mind.
