Radical Acceptance
Loving Each Other Without Living in Fantasy
I did an exercise during the solstice that was supposed to be poetic and grounding.
I wrote down 13 intentions. Each day, I was to “release” one intention without reading it. Let it go to the universe. Trust. Surrender.
I took this very seriously.
I released them… right down the toilet.
Yes. Flush. Goodbye intention. Spiritually symbolic and sanitary.
Except the last one.
The instructions said the final intention had to be read, held, and nurtured.
So on the final day, I opened the paper.
It said:
“I live in reality.”
I just stared at it.
Because if we’re honest, that might be the hardest intention of all—especially in relationships.
The Quiet War Between Reality and Hope
Most couples aren’t fighting about dishes, sex, or money.
They’re fighting reality.
“If they would just…”
“They shouldn’t be this way.”
“Once they change, things will feel better.”
“This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”
And beneath all of that is a kind of grief no one talks about:
the grief of letting go of who we hoped our partner would become.
Radical acceptance isn’t giving up.
It’s waking up.
What Radical Acceptance Actually Is (And Isn’t)
Radical acceptance does not mean:
Endorsing bad behavior
Staying in harm
Losing your voice
Becoming passive or small
Radical acceptance does mean:
Seeing clearly
Letting go of fantasy
Stopping the emotional arm-wrestling
Choosing your next move from truth instead of wishful thinking
It’s saying:
“This is who you are right now.”
“This is who I am right now.”
“Given that… what am I willing to participate in?”
That’s not cold.
That’s honest.
A Lesson From the Stoics (Yes, the Ancient Ones Had Relationship Wisdom)
The Stoics had a phrase: amor fati — love your fate.
Not tolerate it.
Not resent it.
Love it.
They believed suffering comes not from what is, but from our insistence that reality should be different.
Sound familiar?
In relationships, we suffer when we try to:
Manage another adult’s growth
Negotiate someone into emotional availability
Love someone for their potential instead of their patterns
The Stoic move is radical and freeing:
“I accept what is. Now I decide how I respond.”
Acceptance returns your power.
Control is an illusion anyway.
What Radical Acceptance Looks Like in a Relationship
It looks like:
Loving someone without trying to remodel them
Naming patterns instead of excusing them
Letting disappointment inform your boundaries
Choosing compassion without abandoning yourself
It sounds like:
“This hurts, and I see it clearly.”
“I wish this were different, and it isn’t.”
“I can love you and still choose differently.”
That’s grown-up love.
Messy. Tender. Brave.
How Couples Can Practice Radical Acceptance (Together or Separately)
1. Name Reality Out Loud (Without Blame)
Try:
“When you do X consistently, I experience Y. I’m working on accepting this is part of who you are right now.”
No accusations. Just truth.
2. Grieve the Fantasy
Every relationship requires mourning:
the partner who would read your mind
the version who would heal faster
the future that looked different in your head
Grief clears the fog.
3. Stop Arguing With Patterns
Patterns are information.
If something keeps happening, believe it.
Then decide what you will do.
4. Replace Control With Choice
Ask:
“Knowing this is true, what am I choosing?”
“What boundary would honor reality and my nervous system?”
5. Practice Acceptance With Self-Compassion
You didn’t imagine things because you’re weak.
You hoped because you’re human.
Be gentle with that part of you.
Why This Is an Act of Love (Not Resignation)
Radical acceptance isn’t cynical.
It’s respectful.
It says:
I see you.
I see me.
I refuse to build intimacy on denial.
And paradoxically, when people stop trying to change each other, connection either deepens… or clarity arrives.
Both are forms of truth.
Both are gifts.
Coming Back to the Intention
“I live in reality.”
Not bitterness.
Not despair.
Not giving up.
Reality—with love.
Reality—with compassion.
Reality—with courage.
Because real love doesn’t require fantasy.
It requires presence.
This week, I invite you—individually or as a couple—to practice one radical act:
Tell the truth about what is.
Then meet that truth with:
self-compassion
curiosity
and a willingness to choose from love instead of fear
You don’t have to flush your intentions down the toilet.
But you might consider releasing the ones that keep you fighting reality.
And embracing what’s left—
with open eyes, an open heart, and a whole lot of grace.