You’re both sitting on the couch. Same show playing. Same dog farting. But somehow, you’re having completely different experiences of the same conversation that just happened five minutes ago.
Sound familiar?
That’s not because one of you is lying, being dramatic, or trying to gaslight the other (well, let’s hope not). It’s because you’re two different humans with two different brains and two completely different histories—trying to share one life. Welcome to relationships. Buckle up.
“Wait, that’s not what happened.”
It’s the phrase that launches a thousand fights. The story you’re telling yourself about what happened is your story. And your partner has a different one. Not because they’re trying to be difficult—but because perception is reality, and each of us sees reality through a unique set of filters made of our past, our beliefs, our attachment style, our stress level, our lunch…
You get the idea.
And the kicker? When someone you love has a different perspective than you, it can feel like a threat to your own reality. You start to doubt yourself. Or worse, try to fix them so they match your reality. (Spoiler alert: That never works.)
Here’s a little psychology throwback: remember as a kid when you finally realized your parents weren’t just “Mom” and “Dad” but actual people with their own thoughts and inner worlds? Kind of a shocking moment, right? That same thing happens in adult relationships when we bump up against our partner’s separate experience of reality.
So… what do we do with that?
We do something hard and wise and worth it: we learn to suspend our own reality long enough to listen to someone else’s.
Not to agree. Not to debate. Not to plan our comeback.
But to understand.
That’s how connection is built—not by blending your perspectives into one watered-down reality, but by holding space for each other’s truths. That's intimacy, baby.
The Brain Gymnastics of Perspective-Taking
You’ll want to stop your brain from doing that thing where it immediately starts fact-checking everything your partner says. You know the voice:
“Well that’s not exactly how it happened…”
Cool it, Sherlock. Here’s what to do instead:
Notice the urge to correct. Just notice it. You don’t have to act on it.
Redirect your brain. Instead of analyzing, shift to curiosity: “What are they feeling? What’s this experience like for them?”
Don’t focus on whether it’s ‘accurate.’ Focus on the emotional impact. It’s real because it was real for them.
Remind yourself: this isn’t about being right. It’s about being close.
Use the Safe Conversations Tool: It's Not Just for Therapists
Here’s a 3-step way to keep the conversation out of the ditch:
Mirror: “What I hear you saying is…”
Say it back as closely as you can. Don’t add commentary. This is not improv night.Validate: “That makes sense because…”
Not “I agree with you.” Just: “Given your experience, I can see how you got there.”Empathize: “I imagine you might be feeling…”
You don’t have to nail the feeling. You just have to try. People don’t want perfect, they want present.
Real Love Honors Individual Realities
You don’t have to see it the same way to love each other well. In fact, the couples who do the best long-term are the ones who learn how to honor their differences, not erase them.
Your partner’s inner world is rich and complex and, let’s face it, a little weird—just like yours. But you’ll never understand it if you’re too busy defending your own.
Instead, get curious. Get humble. And remember: you’re not trying to win the conversation—you’re trying to win at connection.
Next time you feel the fire rising, take a breath, pause the story you’re telling yourself, and step into theirs.
Not because you’re wrong.
Not because they’re right.
But because connection is better than victory.