We’ve all been there. You walk into the kitchen, see dishes piled in the sink, and before you know it, words are flying out of your mouth that sound less like love and more like a Yelp review of your partner’s character.
“Do you ever do anything around here?”
That’s not an observation — that’s an evaluation wearing the costume of a question.
Observation vs. Evaluation — The Hidden Landmine
In the world of communication that actually connects instead of combusts, there’s a sacred distinction: observation vs. evaluation.
An observation is what a camera could capture — pure facts, no added seasoning.
“The dishes are still in the sink from last night.”An evaluation is what your brain adds on top of the facts — your interpretation, judgment, or conclusion.
“You’re so lazy. You don’t care about our home.”
See the difference? One invites conversation. The other invites war.
Evaluations feel like an attack because they are. They label, assume motives, and usually say more about how we’re feeling than what’s actually happening. Observations, on the other hand, keep the focus on the reality both of you can see — not the story you’ve written about it.
Leading With Feelings, Not Finger-Pointing
When we lead with our evaluations, our partner hears criticism. When we lead with our feelings, our partner hears humanity.
Here’s what that looks like:
Evaluation: “You don’t care about me — you’re always on your phone.”
Observation + Feeling: “I noticed you were on your phone while I was talking. I felt hurt and a little invisible.”
In the first version, your partner’s brain goes straight to defense mode: “That’s not true!”
In the second, you’ve handed them a piece of your heart instead of a grenade. They can actually take it in.
Why Feelings Build Bridges
Feelings are disarming. They turn a fight into a conversation. When you reveal what’s happening inside you instead of accusing someone of what’s wrong with them, it creates emotional safety. That’s the soil where intimacy grows.
When you say, “I feel disappointed,” instead of “You’re so selfish,” you give your partner a chance to see you, not just defend themselves from you. That’s the difference between connection and collision.
Real-Life Examples
Let’s walk through a few more:
Evaluation
Observation + Feeling
“You never listen to me.”
“When I was sharing earlier and you looked at your phone, I felt unheard.”
“You’re so controlling.”
“When you told me what I should do without asking how I felt, I got frustrated and small.”
“You don’t love me anymore.”
“Lately, we haven’t been as affectionate, and I’m feeling lonely.”
See the pattern? The left side throws darts. The right opens doors.
The Courage to Slow Down
It takes guts to speak from the heart instead of the high ground. Evaluations feel powerful — they make us feel right. But being right rarely brings us closer.
Being real does.
So next time you feel the urge to say, “You’re being ridiculous,” pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself, “What did I actually see or hear? And how did I feel?”
Then say that.
It might sound awkward at first — like learning to dance without stepping on each other’s toes — but over time, it becomes your rhythm. A rhythm where both people can show up fully human, flaws and all.
And that, my friend, is the kind of communication that doesn’t just avoid fights — it builds love that can actually last.