The Heart of Connection
Why Empathy Is Everything in Relationships
Empathy is not a soft skill. It’s a strong skill.
It’s the backbone of emotional safety in a relationship, the invisible thread that holds people together when things get messy, and the foundation of every honest, wholehearted conversation. When we understand and practice empathy, we move from simply being around each other to truly being with each other.
Empathy is the single most important skill you can develop—not just to connect with your partner, but with any human being. And yet, it’s also one of the most misunderstood.
Let’s break it down.
What Is Empathy?
Empathy is the ability to feel with someone—to step into their emotional world and say, “I see you. I hear you. I’m with you.”
It’s not about fixing.
It’s not about judging.
It’s not about one-upping or giving advice.
It’s about presence.
The Different Types of Empathy
There’s more than one way to be empathic. Understanding the types can help us show up in ways that are attuned to what someone actually needs.
1. Cognitive Empathy
This is understanding what someone else is feeling and thinking.
It’s mental. It's perspective-taking.
Cognitive empathy says: “I understand why you might feel this way.”
2. Emotional Empathy
This is feeling alongside someone. It’s more visceral. You actually feel their emotions in your own body.
Emotional empathy says: “I feel your sadness and I’m right here with you in it.”
3. Compassionate Empathy
This includes both understanding and feeling, but it adds action. It’s when empathy motivates you to offer comfort or support—but not in a way that takes over or tries to fix.
Compassionate empathy says: “I see you’re hurting. I’m here. What do you need from me?”
Why Empathy Is Everything in Relationships
When we lead with empathy, we say to our partner:
You don’t have to hide your feelings here. You don’t have to be perfect. I can handle your truth.
Empathy builds safety.
Safety builds trust.
Trust builds connection.
And connection is the point.
Without empathy, even the most well-meaning responses—advice, solutions, comparisons—can land as disconnection. They can feel like we're not being seen or heard.
How to Express Empathy (Even When You Don’t Agree)
Here’s the secret: you don’t have to agree to be empathic. You don’t even have to understand their logic. You just have to make room for their experience to be real to them.
Use the sentence stem:
“I imagine you might be feeling…”
You don’t have to get the feeling right. You just have to show that you’re trying.
Empathy in Action: Real-Life Examples
Situation 1: Your partner is upset about something that wouldn’t bother you.
What not to say:
“You’re overreacting.”
“That wouldn’t bother me at all.”
Empathic response:
“I imagine you might be feeling hurt and maybe even a little dismissed by how that played out. That makes sense.”
Situation 2: Your partner had a hard day at work.
What not to say:
“You think that’s bad? My day was worse.”
“You should just quit.”
Empathic response:
“I imagine you might be feeling completely worn out and unseen after today. That sounds really heavy.”
Situation 3: Your partner is feeling insecure.
What not to say:
“You’re being ridiculous. You’re amazing.”
“Don’t feel that way.”
Empathic response:
“I imagine you might be feeling unsure of yourself and needing a little reassurance. That’s such a tough place to be.”
Situation 4: Your partner is angry with you.
What not to say:
“You always get mad about nothing.”
“Calm down.”
Empathic response:
“I imagine you might be feeling really frustrated and hurt by what happened. I’m listening, and I want to understand more.”
A Note on What Empathy Is Not
Empathy is not:
Jumping into your own similar story
Trying to fix the feeling
Telling someone why they shouldn’t feel what they’re feeling
Reframing the situation to make them feel better
Empathy isn’t about taking on someone’s pain as your own—it’s about honoring that their pain exists and choosing to stand beside them in it.
Just Try
You won’t always get the words right. That’s okay.
Empathy isn’t about perfection—it’s about presence.
The people we love don’t need us to have the perfect response.
They need to know we’re trying.
They need to feel us reaching for them, not pulling away.
So the next time your partner brings you their heart—raw, confused, angry, sad, or afraid—try this:
Pause. Breathe. Look them in the eye. And say:
“I imagine you might be feeling…”
That moment? That effort?
It changes everything.
Want more? Here is a great podcast we did on empathy with some great examples on how to DO it:
The Power of Empathy in Relationships with Clay and Sonja Arnold — Make More Love Not War
Also, If you enjoyed hearing Clay and Sonja, they have a workshop coming up that’s easily accessible online: