The Invisible Contracts in Relationships
(And Why They Keep Tripping Us Up)
Let me tell you a secret: Every couple has an invisible contract.
You know, that unspoken agreement that says, “You’ll always be the one who takes out the trash because I cook,” or “We hug before bed,” or “You’ll read my mind when I’m upset because I’ve dropped 11 hints and sighed dramatically twice.”
Except—surprise!—your partner probably didn’t get the memo. Because it was never spoken. It was just assumed. Enter: the invisible contract.
And trust me, this is where so many couples get tangled up.
So What Is an Invisible Contract?
It’s the stuff we expect in our relationship without actually saying out loud.
It’s based on our upbringing, our past relationships, even movies and social media (don’t get me started on that last one). It’s what we think love, loyalty, respect, communication, and partnership are supposed to look like.
The problem? We all signed totally different contracts—and no one had a signing ceremony.
Examples of Invisible Contracts
Let’s break this down with some classics I’ve seen in my office:
“If you loved me, you’d want to spend every weekend with me.”
“You should know I’m upset without me having to say anything.”
“You’ll do things my family’s way because that’s what people do in marriage.”
“We’ll parent just like my parents did.”
“You’ll automatically want sex as often as I do.”
“You’ll always handle the finances because I hate numbers.”
None of these are wrong. But none of them are fair if they’re unspoken. Because your partner might be operating from an entirely different contract like, “We all need personal space on the weekends,” or “I need verbal communication to understand you.”
Why These Unspoken Expectations Hurt
Because unmet expectations = disappointment. And when expectations haven’t even been discussed, the disappointment feels like betrayal.
It’s like expecting your partner to perform in a play you wrote in your head without ever sharing the script. Then you get upset when they miss their lines. Sound familiar?
How to Rewrite the Contract—Together
Good news: Invisible contracts can be made visible. They can be talked about, clarified, rewritten, and agreed upon. Together.
Here’s how to start:
1. Get Curious, Not Critical
Instead of saying, “You never do [insert chore/emotional support/ritual here]!” try this:
“I’ve realized I had an expectation about this—can I share it with you?”
That tone matters. Curiosity opens the door. Criticism slams it shut.
2. Identify Where It Came From
Was this expectation modeled for you growing up? Did a past partner do it this way? Did it come from a TikTok video that convinced you "real love" means Sunday morning pancakes?
Knowing where your expectations come from helps you see whether they’re still helpful or just inherited.
3. Use “I” Language, Always
Try:
“I’ve always thought of partnership as doing this together,”
or
“I feel most supported when this happens.”
It’s more productive than, “You never...” or “You should know better.”
4. Ask Each Other: What Are the Unspoken Rules You Thought Existed in Relationships?
You’d be amazed what comes out of this question. Stuff like:
“I thought we’d go to bed at the same time every night.”
“I assumed we’d check in during the workday.”
“I thought anniversaries would be a big deal.”
Talk about those things. You don’t have to agree on all of them, but you do need to understand each other’s perspectives.
A Few Healthy Contract Questions to Ask Each Other
What does love look like to you on an average Tuesday?
What were the “rules” in your family growing up around emotions?
What do you need from me when you’re overwhelmed?
What do you assume is “just how things are” in relationships?
When do you feel most connected to me?
These aren’t trick questions. They’re how you get to know the person you’re building a life with—not the version of them you imagined, but the real one who’s sitting right in front of you.
You’re On the Same Team
Invisible contracts aren’t about blame. They’re about awareness.
The goal isn’t to prove who’s right. It’s to understand each other better—so the day-to-day feels less like “Why don’t you get me?” and more like “We’ve got this.”
So go ahead. Make the invisible visible. Rewrite the rules together. And maybe—just maybe—take out the trash without being asked.
Because when you talk about what you need and listen with compassion to what they need, that’s where the real relationship begins.