One of the deepest longings we have as humans is the desire to be seen, heard, and understood. We don’t need someone to fix everything. We don’t even need someone to agree with us all the time. What we need is to know that our experience matters to the person we love.
That’s where validation comes in.
Validation isn’t about agreeing. It’s not about fixing. It’s not about sweeping in with a pep talk or a solution. Validation is the practice of standing in someone else’s emotional world and saying: I see you. I hear you. What you’re feeling makes sense.
In relationships, validation builds safety. It lowers defensiveness. It creates a bridge between two people who are different and still choosing to walk together.
And the truth is, most of us weren’t taught how to validate. We were taught how to fix, how to judge, or how to avoid. But learning how to validate—really validate—is a game-changer in love.
What Is Validation?
Validation is the act of acknowledging and accepting another person’s internal experience without judgment.
It doesn’t mean you agree with everything they say. It means you understand why they feel the way they do, based on what they’ve experienced, what they value, and how they see the world.
Validation says: You’re not wrong for feeling this. I can see how you got here.
Why Validation Matters in Relationships
When couples don’t feel emotionally safe with each other, they go into self-protection mode. That might look like shutting down, defensiveness, criticism, or retreating into silence.
But when validation is present, walls come down. When your partner knows you’re trying to understand instead of trying to correct, they soften. They open. They trust.
Validation says: You’re not alone in this. I’m with you.
How to Validate: A Simple Framework
Here’s a simple way to practice validation. It starts with one powerful sentence stem:
“What you are saying makes sense because…”
It’s not fancy. But it’s deeply human.
Here’s how to do it:
Listen with full attention.
Put down your phone. Turn off the TV. Let your partner know they matter by giving them your presence.Reflect back what you heard.
Repeat or paraphrase what they said, especially the emotion underneath the words.Use the sentence stem.
“What you are saying makes sense because…”
This helps you step into their shoes and express empathy.
Pause before offering advice or your own experience.
Validation must come before problem-solving.
What Not to Do (and What to Do Instead)
Let’s look at some common missteps and how validation shifts the tone of the conversation.
Scenario 1: Your partner says, “I’m so overwhelmed. I feel like I’m drowning in everything I have to do.”
What not to say:
“You just need to calm down. Everyone’s busy.”
“Why don’t you just make a to-do list?”
“Well, I have a lot going on too.”
What to say instead:
“What you are saying makes sense because you’ve been carrying so much lately. You’re trying to do it all, and it’s weighing on you.”
That moment of validation helps your partner feel seen. Only after that can you ask, “Do you want to talk about ways we could make things feel more manageable together?”
Scenario 2: Your partner says, “It hurt when you made that joke in front of our friends. I felt embarrassed.”
What not to say:
“You’re being too sensitive.”
“It was just a joke—relax.”
“They didn’t think it was a big deal.”
What to say instead:
“What you are saying makes sense because you value being respected, especially in front of other people. I get that. And I can see how that moment didn’t feel good to you.”
Validation doesn’t mean you meant to hurt them. It means you care that it did. That’s where connection begins again.
Scenario 3: Your partner says, “I’m nervous about your relationship with your ex. It just feels uncomfortable for me.”
What not to say:
“You’re being insecure for no reason.”
“You just don’t trust me.”
“This again?”
What to say instead:
“What you are saying makes sense because your mind is trying to protect you. You want to feel safe and prioritized, and this situation doesn’t feel clear to you right now.”
From there, you can have a grounded conversation about boundaries and reassurance—one that brings you closer instead of pushing you further apart.
The Courage to Validate
Validating someone takes courage. It requires slowing down and letting go of your need to be right, to fix, or to defend yourself. It’s a practice in empathy over ego.
You don’t have to say it perfectly. But if you can consistently say:
“What you are saying makes sense because…”
“That sounds really hard.”
“I get why you feel that way.”
“Thank you for telling me that.”
You will change the emotional climate of your relationship.
Because the real magic in love isn’t found in agreement—it’s found in understanding. It’s in the moments where we say:
You don’t have to feel this alone. I’m right here. And I’m listening.
That’s what validation does. And that’s what love—real, lasting, courageous love—looks like.
Want to hear more? Check out this awesome podcast we did on Validation!!!
https://www.makemorelovenotwar.com/podcast/2025/3/24/the-power-of-validation-in-relationships-with-clay-and-sonja-arnold