In every relationship, there are moments when you and your partner experience the same event but come away with completely different perspectives. Maybe it’s a conversation, a disagreement, or a shared experience—and you’re left wondering, How could we see this so differently? The answer lies in the way our perceptions shape our reality.
Our understanding of reality isn’t a fixed, universal truth. It’s shaped through a filter of past experiences, beliefs, emotions, and judgments. This means that two people can go through the exact same moment and walk away with entirely different interpretations—and both of those realities are valid.
Let’s explore why this happens, how the concept of multiple realities can deepen our relationships, and how we can learn to listen to each other with curiosity rather than judgment.
The Filter of Perception
Every moment you experience passes through a filter unique to you. This filter is made up of your past experiences, beliefs, and emotional patterns. It’s why one person might see a rainy day as dreary while another sees it as cozy. The rain doesn’t change—but the meaning you assign to it does.
In relationships, this filter can sometimes lead to misunderstandings. For example:
One partner might feel dismissed during a conversation because of past experiences with being ignored.
The other partner might see the same interaction as neutral, not realizing their tone or word choice triggered something deeper.
Both perceptions are real to the person experiencing them. Neither is “right” or “wrong,” but understanding this dynamic is key to building empathy and connection.
The Quantum Theory of Multiple Realities
Quantum theory tells us that reality isn’t singular—there are multiple potential realities existing simultaneously, depending on how they’re observed. While this is a scientific concept, it can also be a helpful metaphor for relationships. Each person in a relationship carries their own “reality” based on their perceptions and interpretations.
In practical terms, this means:
Both your reality and your partner’s reality exist simultaneously.
Your differing interpretations of the same event don’t cancel each other out.
Understanding your partner’s reality doesn’t mean abandoning your own—it means making space for both.
When we approach relationships with this mindset, we stop trying to “win” the argument or force a single shared reality. Instead, we aim to understand and respect each other’s perspective.
Why Listening to Each Other’s Reality Matters
When couples argue, it’s often because one or both partners are trying to assert their version of events as the “correct” one. But the goal of a healthy relationship isn’t to create one “accurate” version of reality. It’s to understand how each person was impacted by the event emotionally.
Here’s why this matters:
Validation Builds Trust: When you listen to your partner’s perception without judgment, you validate their feelings and experience, even if you don’t agree. This builds trust and emotional safety.
Empathy Deepens Connection: Hearing your partner’s reality helps you understand their inner world—their fears, desires, and needs. This creates a deeper emotional bond.
Compromise Becomes Easier: When you respect each other’s perspectives, finding solutions becomes less about “who’s right” and more about “how can we move forward together?”
How to Listen Without Judgment
Learning to listen to your partner’s reality takes practice, especially if you’re used to defending your own perspective. Here are steps to help you cultivate curiosity and empathy:
1. Pause Your Inner Reaction
When your partner shares their perspective, it’s natural to feel the urge to defend yourself or correct them. Pause that reaction. Remind yourself that listening is about understanding, not proving a point.
Try This: Take a deep breath and focus on their words, not on planning your response.
2. Acknowledge Their Feelings
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing—it means acknowledging their emotions as real and important. Say something like, “I can see why you felt hurt when I said that,” or “That sounds really frustrating for you.”
Avoid This: Dismissing their feelings with phrases like “You’re overreacting” or “That’s not what I meant.”
3. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Curiosity is the antidote to judgment. Instead of trying to convince your partner of your perspective, ask questions to understand theirs.
Try This:
“Can you help me understand how you feel about that?”
“What did you take away from that moment?”
“What were you thinking when that happened?”
4. Reflect Back What You Hear
Show that you’re listening by summarizing what they’ve said. This not only helps you confirm their meaning but also makes them feel heard.
Try This:
“So, you felt dismissed when I didn’t respond right away. Is that right?”
“It sounds like you were feeling overwhelmed and needed more support.”
5. Let Go of Being Right
The goal isn’t to “win” or make your partner see things your way. It’s to build understanding. Focus on the emotional impact of the event, not the details of what “actually” happened.
Try This Mindset Shift: “It’s not about who’s right—it’s about how we both felt and how we can move forward.”
6. Find Common Ground
Even if your interpretations differ, you can often find shared values or intentions. For example, you might both want to feel respected, even if you see the situation differently.
Try This: “We both want to feel supported—how can we make that happen next time?”
Curiosity as a Relationship Superpower
Approaching your partner’s reality with curiosity instead of judgment transforms conflicts into opportunities for connection. When you view their perspective as a window into their inner world, you begin to see disagreements not as threats but as moments to grow closer.
Here’s how to cultivate a curious mindset:
Remind Yourself: “Their feelings are valid, even if I don’t understand them yet.”
Ask Thoughtfully: “What can I learn about my partner from this moment?”
Focus on Growth: “How can this conversation help us grow as a couple?”
Creating Space for Two Realities
In every relationship, there are two realities—and that’s okay. The beauty of a partnership isn’t in merging those realities into one; it’s in creating space for both. When you listen with curiosity, validate each other’s emotions, and respect each other’s perspectives, you build a relationship where both of you feel seen, heard, and valued.
The next time you and your partner see things differently, try stepping into their world. Listen to understand, not to be right. Acknowledge the emotional truth in their experience. And remember: your love isn’t defined by agreeing on everything—it’s defined by how well you honor each other’s realities.